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AverageBeef t1_ja5zn8e wrote

“I promise, the 6th mini fridge is not the problem here. “


ineedabettertitle OP t1_ja675xa wrote

Another one.

Just sitting in my hallway from God-knows where.

And my husband behind it, looking as giddy as a child with a candy bar. He smiled at me while speaking, "Look at this! All the latest features and more! Apparently this one can hold up to two times more cans of beer than a regular mini fridge. Isn't that awesome?"

I pressed my face into my hands and took a deep breath. I loved Tom and all, but this...this was too much.

"What the hell, Tom? You can't just keep buying mini-fridges! What's the point of all that extra space, if we have...what was it, five?"

He grinned again. "Yep! This makes six."

"Honestly, Tom! This seems to be harbouring on some sort of obsession. We don't need that many mini fridges."

"Of course we do! Where are we going to store all our food if the need arises? I'm thinking ahead, that's all."

"Thinking ahead does not mean buying six mini fridges. Six! Two, maybe three is enough! But six? That's overkill!"

He slowly shook his head, "I promise you, the sixth mini fridge is not the problem here."

"Well I'll be damned if it isn't," I shot back at him.

"Just hear me out. Imagine we hold a Thanksgiving dinner at our house. My parents and siblings come, your family comes. It's like a big thing."

"That's not go-" I began to say.

"Wait a second, Susie. Let me talk first."

I narrowed my eyes at him, and he spoke again.

"Everyone brings a plate to share, there's some mac and cheese, some various salads. Just the usual. But, there was a miscommunication. Both your parents and mine bring a turkey!"

I rolled my eyes at him. What on earth are you going on about?

"Well it's pretty funny at first, everyone's laughing at the fact that we have two turkeys. But then your mother says to put her turkey in the fridge, so we can save it for later, Well I wouldn't have planned for that. I'd have opened our fridge and saw there was no space. I'd have to leave the turkey out to go bad, which would garner disapproving stares from every party involved."

" want six mini fridges because...?" I asked Tom.

"I don't want the turkey to go bad."

"Are we still talking about fridges?"


Notunbreakable_ t1_ja647u5 wrote

“Ah, death, an interesting phenomenon”


ineedabettertitle OP t1_ja6c4o9 wrote

The guide quickly beckoned us closer.

"If you look now, you can observe an interesting phenomenon called 'death.' Entirely practiced only by lifeforms originating from the planet designated as Earth. Scientists have been researching the phenomenon for eons, but it is not yet known why these lifeforms participate in this peculiar activity."

I craned my neck further to get a glimpse of the humans. There were eight of them standing in a circle, around one singular human lying on the floor. The lone human was of the sub-species female, and seemed to be performing their respiratory functions with noticeable difficulty.

The guide began again. "See how they gather around the one who they refer to as dying? See how it resembles our ancestor's very own Egru'tar?"

I nodded. The Egru'tar was our traditional 'religious movements.' While it was done by every member of my species in days of old, only the devout and the First still practice it.

"Because of this, it has been speculated that 'death' is a religious tradition. It has been debated that dying is actually an act of supreme worship, and that all earthlings are required to do it at some point. Interestingly enough, when a human has finished dying, all their bodily functions cease to operate in a desired way. Including brain activity."

An audible gasp rippled through our group. One member piped up, "But how is that possible? Surely their soul cannot leave their flesh?"

The guide shook one of their heads, "It still is not known how this occurs. But that seems to be the case. After they have finished dying, they cannot move, talk or think. They are just hollow...empty, so to speak."

"Then why would the earthlings want to do it?" Someone else asked.

"Some would do anything to get closer to their gods."

As the guide spoke that, the lying earthling ceased all of their movements. The other earthlings began to cry out, a sharp and hollow sound that seemed to pierce the air. I shivered as the noise flooded my olfactory receptors.

The guide looked at them. "Crying. Another religious observation practiced by the earthlings. I will tell you about it now."


CleveEastWriters t1_ja63ira wrote

A supervillain runs into a room and screams, "Hide me!"


International-Drag93 t1_jaafybe wrote

They’re running from the Eldridge horror that’s slowly been chasing for the past month. Now it’s your problem.


Commander_Night_17 t1_ja6bg1f wrote

"Can some please take that love struck vampire out of the dammn court room"


Janus-Moth t1_ja62pms wrote

“Ah great, there goes the live alien fleet display! You let them leave containment! What are we supposed to show off in the museum now?”


Kvisur t1_ja64uov wrote

"I understand the trail of bodies, but did you have to wear pink?"


ineedabettertitle OP t1_ja6i9bu wrote

I rolled my eyes at her, "Who's going to respect me if I don't murder in style?"

"I get that, it's Really? Nobody's going to take you seriously!"

I turned away from her, shaking my head. "I never said anything about them taking me seriously! What if I wanted to feign insanity? I couldn't do that wearing leather and a denim jacket, could I? Crime is an art and I have perfected it!" I spun back around to face her, and jabbed a finger into her stomach. "Obviously, you wouldn't understand things such as these. I have a job to do, and I'll do it how I damn well please!"

She looked hurt. Maybe I was a bit too harsh on her, it was her first day after all. "And the bodies?"

"They've been placed in various ways, to subtly clue the detectives to our exact location. My guess is that they are about an hour away. Everything else is running smoothly."

She nodded sharply, and began to bounce on the soles of her feet. I eyed her curiously, "What's wrong Dani? Afraid?"

She looked up at me. "Well...uhh...yeah, kinda. What if it goes wrong?"

I laughed until tears flowed. "Are you suggesting that my work would fail? That those bumbling buffoons could do nothing but quiver in fear. They don't want to deal with me. I'll kill them, and they know it."

"So what's with all the games? All the killings? Can't you just scare the police into doing what you want?"

Come now, where's the fun in that?"

She did not respond.

I decided to probe her further. "Dani, have you ever tortured someone to the brink of insanity?"

"Well yeah. "Course I have."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I suppose I did."

"Of course it was! What type of self-depreciating villain doesn't like torturing someone? To push them over the edge! To make them plead for respite! Who wouldn't love the thrill?"

"Well, I don't know."

"You see Dani, I don't torture people physically anymore. No, torturing them mentally is so much more fun! Letting those idiots of officers believe I'll stop the killings if they do just one more thing for me. Let them think they are so close to being free! Do you understand this, Dani?"

"I...I think I do."

I smiled. "I think your going to love being my lead henchwoman."


Twotailedpikachu t1_ja6kbot wrote

“Yeah I…don’t think those oven mitts are coming back any time soon.”


hogw33d t1_ja672eh wrote

I can't get this thing off me! Help me before I stop caring.


Used-East4520 t1_ja6coz2 wrote

"Hey man, uh, funny story. Remember when you said that I shouldn't try using the pitching machine at it's fastest setting? Well, I tried using it on it's fastest setting anyways and, um, to put it lightly... we have a bigger problem now."


walkswithmagic t1_ja6rc1f wrote

"Since when can you buys souls in bulk?"


ChloeWrites t1_ja6yzn4 wrote

"Wait... You're the... Baitman... NOT the Batman?"


GrimmReaper141 t1_ja74qcc wrote

“How the hell are we going to save the world with a handful of magic sand, duct tape and Sarah’s lunch?!”


Viper_Visionary t1_ja612pf wrote

Dammit Jerry, you have to stop killing your bosses. The Illuminati are getting suspicious.


Zak_The_Slack t1_ja65500 wrote

“Of course the universe is in the shape of a donut!”


mattswritingaccount t1_ja65uw1 wrote

Look, I told you. You have to leave the blue fish alone. Didn't I?!? And now look. This is all your fault!


keizee t1_ja75ggi wrote

'The stars only shine at night' (ominously)


NotAPreppie t1_ja75j3q wrote

The last time this happened, there was a dwarf, a magician, and an accountant in the room. Not sure how were getting out of it this time.


Socratov t1_ja76wr3 wrote

...And that's when I bought the horse a prostitute!


MarianeAicimoun t1_ja77qdw wrote

''I didn't do it. But if they want a villain, I will give them one.''


Jei4 t1_ja7j8gs wrote

"Love can you stop talking in your sleep??, Last night you said gibberish and a dragon appeared outside"


tupe12 t1_ja7mtvc wrote

You solved world hunger with what?!


j_ays t1_ja7pgfo wrote

"The price was never yours to pay"


Awkward_Ad75 t1_ja7tdxk wrote

A grenade is no longer your friend once you pull the pin out.


Art1xBR t1_ja975yx wrote

"Apparently, gun control laws don't really apply to lasers"


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nobodysgeese t1_ja69493 wrote

Sometimes they catch fire, that's why there are disclaimers


Kitty_Fuchs t1_ja6f7h8 wrote

record scratch "You probably wonder how I ended up in this situation." "No, I don't. I know pretty well what happened. Also, where the hell did you get a record?" "I'm not talking to you, idiot."


SilverTheShiftDragon t1_ja6i1nz wrote

“Her father died last year at war, and last week her mother passed. She had been running for most of the day trying to make sure this attempt to get away from her stepfather is successful. “This deep in the woods that monster won’t find me,” she thinks to herself. Watching her in the bushes was a different type of monster.”

(Not really no context but it has worked for braking blocks)


B3C4U5E_ t1_ja6mfxp wrote

Ok we need to talk. 6 fish tanks in the dorm is too many.


wordsonthewind t1_ja6nw2r wrote

"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."


NinjaMonkey4200 t1_ja6s4bo wrote

"How was I supposed to know he isn't waterproof?"


_Weyland_ t1_ja6tbn5 wrote

"You think yourself the greatest inventor, yet here you are, just a freak locked in a display cage"

"You've gathered more amazing objects than I ever hoped to see. And now you've placed me among them. Are you sure your side of the cage is safer than mine?"


WolvenHeart0114 t1_ja6ufsx wrote



Scarvexx t1_ja6uyts wrote

They never trained you for this.


ZuckerbergReptilian t1_ja6wrep wrote

"Way too easy, was it? How about now, huh? Healing bastard. Try healing this!"


manyname t1_ja74uuk wrote

"Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me...!"


someone_back_1n_time t1_ja763c8 wrote

Look, this was all just a misunderstanding. The communists were right on the horizon.


Paublos_smellyarmpit t1_ja7fz4h wrote

"Conner.., what are you doing? What, no! Conner don't eat the kitchen!"


j_ays t1_ja7pcgb wrote

"It wasn't my idea to give him a cheesecake. It was pure self sabotage"


MarianeAicimoun t1_ja7qod9 wrote

''She struggled to catch her breath and her feet stung and burned with every step. But she doesn't stop despite the paint that started building in her legs. All she knew was that she must not stop running, under any circumstances, until she she glimpsed the lights.''


LucasDanforth t1_ja7r8w3 wrote

"Well," she said exhaustedly, "I guess that explains the elephant in the room, but what about the actual elephant in the room?"


Awkward_Ad75 t1_ja7tq8s wrote

Explosives are no longer permited as officeappliances


Youhoooop t1_ja7yq61 wrote

“I swear to god, I did NOT put the fish there!”


bachh2 t1_ja8011m wrote

"So which of you mofo is getting shipped off to the princess."


YZGRDYN t1_ja8nee3 wrote

The spider just ate a dragon!


YellowSkar t1_ja91vbf wrote

"They beat him black and blue, Max!"

"Wasn't he already blue and black?"

"I know! They swapped his colors!"


FoolishDog1117 t1_ja93vb1 wrote

The three kindest words anyone can say. "I forgive you."


Stuck-inside-a-jar t1_ja9np7w wrote

“I get you used to be vegan but beet juice is not a substitute for blood”


morirtea-bb t1_ja9oknp wrote

Did someone really just leave that out in the open for anyone to take?


CipherMoth t1_jaexgbd wrote

"Now why the FUCK are there so many frogs in my apartment?!"